6 Things We Are Unintentionally Teaching Our Children (part 2)
#4 - You are responsible for everyone else's feelings.
Your child is not responsible for anyone else's feelings but their own. If they push little brother down and make him cry it is fault for the physical harm but not their fault for the anger you have about it. Guilt tripping your child into doing things or not doing things because they "hurt your feelings" is emotionally manipulative and puts the child under incredible stress because they now have to act with everyone in mind. It also teaches the child to be a victim. If someone said something mean and hurt my feelings than they owe me and they need to fix it. Ideally if everyone would seek to make amends for wrongs that would be amazing but we must teach our children that others will not do this because they need to be okay if others don't. Not everyone has your best interests in mind and you don't need to treat everyone with the love and care you would your best friend because they have not earned that. Basic respect and courtesy are always due but if someone is upset by you then that is something they need to work on.
Your child does not need to live their life people pleasing and walking on eggshells. If your child feels the need to please everyone how likely is it that he or she will be able to resist any form of peer pressure? Teach your child that it is okay to be hurt and it is good to apologize for wrongs but if we have done what we can other's emotions are theirs alone, and our emotions are ours alone.
#5 - You are not self-sufficient.
This one is a little more complicated because obviously your child is not self-sufficient in the sense that they are completely taking care of themselves. However, they are self-sufficient in the sense that they have the ability to know what they need and to find a way to get what they need. This is where it gets tricky. Children instinctively know what they need (they also have very keen eyes for wants). Babies cry when they are hungry, dirty, thirsty, cold, hurting, etc. They will tell you that they need something and for babies we expect this. It's how we take care of them. When they cry we look for the need and then fill it.
When it comes to toddlers and older children it becomes more difficult because their needs become more complex and although they speak they often cannot articulate exactly what they need. When was the last time your toddler said "hey mom, I really need you to set this boundary for me because I am having a hard time not eating all the cookies"? Never happened? Yeah, not to me either. Kids need things and they will most of them time get them. Toddlers push our buttons because they NEED boundaries. They NEED to know that we are taking care of things and we will provide for their needs.
When we crush this spirit, and teach them that they are unable, that they don't know what is good and what is bad for themselves, we hinder them majorly. Again, often times we know things they don't so this takes balance. We have to figure out what they need amidst the pleas of wants. They may want a whole bag of cookies but what they need is a good nutritious meal and maybe a cookie as a surprise dessert. We need to teach them to trust their own instincts. When something or someone makes them uncomfortable we need to allow them to trust that. (Ex-if you are unsure of grandpa because you haven't seen him a lot, then we shouldn't make them hug and kiss grandpa.) We need to teach them to trust their own food intake. Do not force your child to eat, they will eat when they are hungry (there can be other medical problems if your child is super picky such as sensory issues so be aware that this may be an indicator of something different). Teach your child to clean up after themselves and teach them about respect. My 18 month old cleans up his toys, washes his meal tray, and throws away his diapers when we use disposable ones. I am teaching him to respect his belongings and clean up after himself as a way of respecting the communal space.
I feed my son, change his diaper, and help to teach him but he CAN and IS learning what he needs to learn by observing the world on his own. He needs to know that he can trust his own mind and is fully capable of learning and achieving what he wants. I do this by not praising him for things that are ridiculous such as "Good job! You ate your broccoli today!" That's pointless. He will or will not like broccoli and my jumping up and down like a fool will not affect that. He will eat one way or another. He needs to decide what he likes and he is more likely to eat it if I don't make it a big deal. But I do praise effort. Even if he doesn't get it in the trashcan, I praise efforts to throw trash away, pick up toys, clean up after himself because I know those are things that he doesn't instinctively do. By doing this, I hope to teach him what is expected of him communally. I am demonstrating what the community (our family) expects and what the societal rules are. Children what to be a part of the community and feel a sense of belonging. By teaching him the rules of what our family expects from a young age, he will grow up doing things that ease stress on the family and make him a helpful member of the family. He will learn that he is able, self-sufficient and valuable to those around him. It all starts with how you talk to your kids and what you model for them.
#6 - You do not have to mean what you say (forcing I'm sorry, not following through with punishments)
One of the things that bothers me the most is forcing your child to apologize. If someone hit you and then apologized because someone had them by the ear and wouldn't let go until they did, you wouldn't feel any closure from that. Someone apologizing under false pretenses such as this does not teach our children to apologize, on the contrary it teaches our children to not mean what they say. It shows them that they can say "sorry" cavalierly as they run off playing, leaving another bruised child in their midst without a backward glance. This is not what we want. It belittles the value of a true apology, true repentance, forgiveness, and recompense.
For this instead, ask them what happened (this helps me them feel heard and not that we are just jumping all over them), tell them what we saw (ex- it looked to me like you were upset so you pushed Susie), we should ask our child if they want to apologize, ask the other child what would help them to feel better about this (do that if possible, things like saying sorry, giving a hug, helping to get a band-aid or a teddy bear), then brainstorm what you can do next time to prevent this (ex- when you get upset maybe you could take a step back and take three big breaths to calm down, go sit in a quiet place to calm down, ask for help from a parent, etc). All of this will help your child process the incident and actually learn something from it instead of just I can shout sorry and that will take care of it. This will teach responsibility for your actions as well as what to expect when others wrong you (others will not always do this obviously) but, it goes well with the phrase "treat others the way you want to be treated".
Another excellent example is when we say things like "if you jump on the couch again, then you will not get to play on the couch" and then they jump and we keep repeating the phrase. I think this is a good example of discipline because the natural consequences of doing this which is unsafe are that I will prevent you from being able to do it anymore. Tell your child this is not safe and, I will not allow you to keep doing it because it is unsafe. If you persist then I will remove you from the situation. Then actually do it! Nothing diminishes your credibility as a parent as much as empty threats. Whatever you decide to do for discipline, do it. Your children need to be able to trust your words and your boundaries. If they cannot trust what you say, then what reason do they have to be honest and mean what they say. You are their example. Discipline is a huge way we show them that it is important to mean what you say and to use words well.
I hope this helps you to see more ways to improve your parenting and be the best you can be!
Blessings!
Kelsie