6 Things We Are Unintentionally Teaching Our Children (part 1)
We all know that there a lot of things we are teaching our children every day whether they learn math, science, manners, or speech, there is one thing they learn above all else. One thing that shapes the way they learn and what they learn. That thing is: what is acceptable.
We teach our children what acceptable behavior is, what acceptable speech is, what they must do to fit in, to stand out, to be loved, to be noticed, to feel important. We teach them everything they will learn from us through the lens of what we deem acceptable. That is why we must be extremely careful in what we teach is acceptable in many situations.
Here are some mistakes, that I know I make regularly (I'm really working on them but they can be hard!), that are vital for you to get right so that your child can blossom.
#1 - It is acceptable for others to not respect your personal boundaries.
Now, most good parents do not go around telling their kids hey I know you hate being touched that way but deal with it or, I know this makes you feel scared when he is in your space but you'll just have to learn to like it. However, there are a lot of things we do that give this message to our children. Things like forcing food into your child's mouth, demanding they give grandma a kiss or be punished, forcing them to be held by someone that they do not know if it makes them scream or unhappy.
There is always a time when things will be unpleasant and they will have to learn to manage that such as needing a diaper change. We can't just opt out because your kid doesn't want it. But that is very different than give grandma a kiss or no dessert. If your child willingly gives grandma a kiss, then wonderful! But if she is behind your knees petrified or just says no it sends the message that you do not know what is best for you and I am dominant therefore what I want goes. You can see how this could be a problem later in life when your sons and daughters do not set any boundaries with significant others or with their morals because they have accepted that what they want isn't important and someone stronger will just change the choice. This is extremely damaging to self esteem and is also quite dangerous. Let your child dictate (on things that are reasonable) their own comfort level and do not force them to do things just because to you it is socially acceptable.
#2 Everything must be obeyed and you cannot say no.
This is so hard because especially when our children are younger we do know better. We want to keep them safe and if they would just listen to us all would be well. But, a child who always obeys unquestioningly will one day find themselves as an adult with no ability to think for themselves in a life that they never wanted.
We need to teach our children that it is okay to say no. Again, sometimes it just has to happen (diaper changes, etc) but much of the time in our mind it has to happen because we want it to and it makes the most sense to us. Such as, you need to eat all your vegetables because it's what is best for you but this might not make sense to your child. it is always best to explain your reasoning to your child and they might not magically agree with you but many kids are actually paying attention and if nothing else it will build vocabulary and trust.
I have also found that sometimes I don't have a good reason for why my son has to do something in which case I need to rethink asking him to do it. It is always good to give your child options in the case of foods, you can have this or this but also to make your child aware that no is an option. If someone is in your space tell them to move away, if someone is touching you and you don't like it tell them to stop, if someone wants to take what you have tell them no. Give your child the words and ability to set their own boundaries verbally so that they won't have to resort to pushing, biting, hitting, etc.
This means sometimes they will even tell you no. If you ask for a hug and they say no you need to be willing to accept that and not take it personally. This is the most important because if those closest to them do not allow them the respect of setting their own boundaries, they will never be confident enough to try this with people who may reject them (people who are not family). You can even try congratulating them on setting a boundary and tell them I see that you said you didn't want a hug so I will give you one later instead if you change your mind. It will go a long way in building your child's confidence.
#3 - Your emotions are too much.
We do this ALL. THE. STINKING. TIME. with our kids. "You need to stop crying." "You need to stop throwing a fit." "You are making a scene." "You're fine." " You're over-reacting." All of these send the message that what you are feeling is either too much for me right not or it's not convenient for me to deal with them so you need to make them stop. This is not going to help your child learn to regulate or manage their emotions. In fact, it will probably make the problem worse. If you were in a car accident and you called your spouse crying to tell them and they said "you're fine, you need to stop crying." You'd be even more hurt and possibly angry (rightfully so). But this is how we treat our children's legitimate emotions just because we are either too busy or we, in our minds, can't justify them.
That's exactly the problem though. For us, not being able to get that teddy bear is not a huge deal. But for your child, who lacks impulse control and ability to understand long term relationships to money, space in your house, actual needs verses wants, this is a huge deal. It is hard to understand why they can't have the toy and your child may be tired, stressed because they can tell you are upset, frustrated that it isn't going their way, thrown off by schedule changes and any number of other things. There is so much going on in your child's ever changing brain that everything is almost always a big deal.
We need to teach our children how to take deep breaths and calm themselves down. We also need to be able to be present in our children's emotional messes and help them name their big emotions. Something like "it's really frustrating and upsetting when you don't get the big teddy bear". Just to help your child learn to identify their own emotions. Also, allowing your child appropriate ways to get out anger, frustration, etc such as throwing blocks into a basket, yelling into a pillow, crying, etc. Allow them to feel things and get them out. Talk with them after they have calmed down and not during the freak out stage. Most importantly, don't expect more from kids than you do from adults. Even adults freak out over things and have melt downs why should we expect kids to never lose it when they have even less skills than adults? Your children will learn their coping skills from you, so if you can't handle their meltdowns then they sure as heck won't be able to.
I hope these help you to be a more conscious parent and to feel more prepared in raising your little blessings! I will be posting part 2 shortly! (Check it out here)
Blessings!
Kelsie